By: Amber Phillips, NCC Children’s Pastor
As a first grade teacher, I mediated my fair share of classroom arguments. Very quickly I found myself using the phrase, “use your words,” to exhort kids to problem solve peacefully. It did not take me long to realize that my students had no context for my suggestion and at best uttered only a simple “sorry.” I realized that in order to cultivate a classroom of peacemakers, I needed to strategically teach kids to be proactive about conflict, provide the necessary language, and model for them consistently.
In today’s ever-evolving, ever-shrinking, ever-growing, ever-digitalized world, teaching peacemaking skills has never been more vital. While conflict resolution may be a trendy term, we know that the mandate to be peacemakers has Biblical roots. As parents, caretakers, teachers, ministry leaders, and influencers of children it is our mantle to guide children in this process.
This month at NCC Kids, the memory verse is Matthew 5:9 “Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God.” This timeless verse is just the tip of the scriptural iceberg concerning peace. Here are just a few other examples:
Psalm 34:14 “Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it”
Hebrews 12:14 “Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.”
James 3:18 “And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”
Romans 12:18 “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
2 Corinthians 13:11 “...Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.”
So how do we teach children today to live in peace? What practical steps can we make to emphasize this critical skill?
Proactive Conflict Resolution
First, we must explicitly teach kids proactive conflict resolution. The natural instinct in conflict is either flee or fight back. Healthy conflict resolution does not accept escape routes or battle plans; rather it addresses the problem straight on with learned strategy.
The Five Step process for Conflict Resolution is a simple way to teach children and teens to resolve conflict.
Admit what you did wrong
Apologize for how your choice affected the other person
Accept the consequences for your wrong doing
Ask for forgiveness
Alter your choice in the future
Citation: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teaching-children-to-be-peacemakers
As we teach kids to problem solve, it is important to also remember the advice of Drs. Cloud and Townsend (authors of the book Boundaries), that an individual is only responsible for how he or she responds to someone else, not the other person’s actions. Children need to know that they have control of their own bodies, words, and choices. While no one can control what another person says or does to them, each person can advocate for themselves and respond appropriately.
Proactive conflict resolution is an opportunity to grow more into the image of Christ, avoiding the temptations of denial, avoidance, pride, gossip, and angry words. If we proactively teach kids the benefits of conflict resolution, we are teaching them a practical way to follow Jesus.
Language Equipping
Second, kids need to learn the language of peacemaking. Young children are in various stages of development and may need sentence frames to construct cohesive thoughts. Even older kids and teens can benefit from using sentence frames to put their emotions into words.
One kid-approved technique is utilizing “I” statements. When kids take ownership of how they feel and express a request to another person, it helps both people involved win.
Some examples of “I” statements are:
“I feel hurt when ______________.”
“I hear what you are saying about _________ but I feel __________.”
“I feel __________ when you _____________. Can you please ______________?”
Younger children may need to start with just identifying the emotion they are experiencing. This can take time depending on their age, personality, and experiences. As children gain more skill in problem solving, they will be able to start adding detail to their statements. The goal is for kids to be able to identify the emotion, note the cause, and suggest a positive solution.
Model Well
Last, and arguably the most important, kids need to see peacemaking modeled by adults. Peacemaking starts with making the choice to honor God in this way. Choosing to resolve conflict is often not the most comfortable option, but it is the most Christ-like option.
Modeling peace starts with loving others well. Love everyone no matter what. Love your enemies. Love your boss and your neighbor and the slow server at the restaurant after church on Sunday. Love the person that wrongs you and the person that ignores you. Love the person who votes differently than you. Lead with love, because your kids are watching.
Practice conflict resolution strategies in your family. If you teach your children about problem solving but you do not address conflict in your own home, the message is lost in translation. For many, this is foreign territory, and that’s okay. Start small. If you want your child to learn healthy conflict resolution, start with practicing the Five Steps and I Statements with your own spouse and kids.
Any parent knows that kids imitate those they spend time with. Maybe it’s the way you brush your teeth or the way you get dressed for work, but chances are your two year old is trying it too. What you model kids will do. Peacemaking in the world begins with you. It begins in your heart and home. Let’s partner together to lead the next generation in the way of peacemaking.
“If there is to be peace in the world,
There must be peace in the nations.
If there is to be peace in the nations,
There must be peace in the cities.
If there is to be peace in the cities,
There must be peace between neighbors.
If there is to be peace between neighbors,
There must be peace in the home.
If there is to be peace in the home,
There must be peace in the heart.”
— Prayer for Peace, author unknown